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Superbowl
The Superbowl, also known as the "Super Domestic Violence Catalyst Bowl", is the second most American holiday, after Christmas. One might say this game decides the best team in the NFL, but more so it rewards the team that doesn't screw up the most. Believe it or not, the winners are given a trophy named after an Italian. Contrary to the gut, the losing team does not get this trophy. In addition to the domestic fireworks, an American Armoured Wankball game is telecast. This day is a day in which Americans get to watch the game, drink beer, and eat lots of food. The Game This particular football game is the standard one hour long game, which is stretched into five hour event. It is played on a standard NFL field, in a stadium, where the only black people in the stadium are either in the game, or working the concession stand. As for the half time Game History (For Individual Super Bowl results click Here.) AFL vs. NFL Before the Super Bowl there once was two NFL's. One was called the NFL and the other called the AFL. Business owners of the two leagues realized that they could make much more money monopolizing the sport. So they agreed to settle the matter in the first Super Bowl. It was originally organized and promoted for the two teams to face each other in gladiatorial combat. However no member of the two teams had any knowledge of fighting with polaxes or war hammers, so they conceeded to let do something they did know how to do. They agreed to a best out of 3 match of football. The NFC took the series 2-1, and the AFL was absorbed into the NFL. The Bears And NFC Dominance For 13 years the Chicago Bears, and their evil allies such as the Giants, The heathan Redskins, the Cowboys (Brokeback), and the team out of San Francisco dominated the Super Bowl. No David the overmatched AFC put forth could slay the NFC's Goliath. The NFC was winning these "contests" in such convincing fashion (55-10, 46-10, 52-17, etc.) that it seemed as if the NFC's reign of darkness would last for centuries. In January of 1998, it seemed as if this trend would continue in Super Bowl XXXII when the 137½ point underdog Denver Broncos (who had already been slayn 4 times previously by this NFC leviathan) faced the unstoppable Green Bay Packers. A Hero Arises Undaunted by the long odds, and funeral preparations, the Denver Broncos devised a masterful plot that left their fat, monsterous foes gasping for air and sweating mayonaise by the 4th quarter. The Broncos won that day, and won again the next year. From that point onward AFC heros such as Ryan Leaf, Ben Hamburger, Tom Brady (whose team totally hasn't been cheating by the way), has had the NFC and their Bear loving friends beaten down and evil plans momentarly defeated. American Culture Impact Because the Super Bowl is watched by 800 billion Americans each year it has become an American Icon like Apple Pie, Jesus, or Atomic Weapons. Commercials Advertisers spent 2.6 million dollars for a 30 second add in last year's Super Bowl. That adds up to $1.84 billion spent on advertising. What's more American than that (besides killing bears)? In fact that dollar amount is greater than the GDP of 29 countries. They are listed below so you can mock them easier. (Note: The italicized countries may not exist.) Super Domestic Violence Catalyst, Fact or Fiction? The liberal media has done numerous studies highlighting the infamous aggression and violent crime spikes during this holiday and most stereotypically pin it all on the drunken and dissatisfied with hordes of unspent stress and hormones. However a recent survey conducted by the Greatest Living American of his gut indicates this to not be the case. The real reason for the anomaly of domestic violence cases on Super Bowl Sunday is low level definition television sets. This, with the patronizing glow of the telestrator causes the arms to fall into what is described as flailing motion. Almost immediately, the victim will run towards a spouse or loved one for help which is futile due to them having already obtained radiation wounds from microwaving large portions of velveeta. Theres no clear answer as to how or why the TV sets are dysfunctional. Although, the manufacturing has been traced back to countries with a considerably reduced GDP. Other Things On TV During the Super Bowl (Special Note: Females and homosexuals planning on watchin' TV are advised to adjust their schedules, if they know what's good for 'em!) *'Figure Skating' - Figure skating on ESPN has long been associated with trying to fill dead air on channels other than the one playing the Super Bowl. This is only watched if you are a gay man, or have a thing for 4'9", 78-pound Japanese girls. *'The Puppy Bowl' - Don't miss the special "Kitten Bowl" half time show. *'VH1's I Love The 80's' - This isn't so special because this show is ALWAYS on. * Heidi Super Bowl Results *This table created on Saturday, February 2, 2008. ‡No, this is not a typo. The Broncos actally win a Super Bowl.